Purging is such an easy way to deal with the mental and physical shame I feel. It helps me get rid of the constant disgust I feel about myself. It’s so easy. Sometimes I don’t even see anything wrong with it. It’s so easy…so simple. Sometimes it even feels good and rewarding. The temptation is so strong. It’s all I can think about. It consumes my thoughts and once it’s taken over me, it separates me from myself and my surroundings completely. For instance now, I’m at a gathering and I left the room with all my friends who love and care about me…sometimes in situations like this, I go purge. Other times, I go to reflect and fight it. Right now I am fighting it. My mind tells me there’s nothing wrong with purging, but in my gut there is something telling me to fight it. The voices in my head are telling me to hate my body and that it is my fault that I am undesirable and disgusting. The voices tell me that purging is an easy fix for the mistakes I have made…for binging or not taking control of myself.
This is what takes a hold of me. It covers me and takes away my happiness. I feel disgusting, and this feeling of disgust is what makes me think that I deserve this…that I need to purge and all in order to feel okay. I want to more than anything right now. It has taken a hold of me.
Where are you Sabrina?
Are you buried under the weight of the temptation?
Break free. It has taken hold of you but I know you are strong. Look up. What do you see? A cross. I am sitting in the pews of the church I call home. This is my home- the house of God. This room is filled with love. Can this love overcome my temptation? The temptation is so strong…so so strong. I know it won’t leave my mind. It is always there.
But so is God. God is always there and even greater than my own temptation. I admit. I am weak. I am so weak. I thirst for strength and comfort. I thirst for contentment and satisfaction. What can safisfy this? At the moment, I feel like purging can.
But this reminds me of the line that speaks to me: “I’ll give up the truth for a lie… trade the sun in for the moonlight…”
What is the moonlight? The satisfaction I receive from purging and giving into temptation.
What is the sun? Real love…from others, from myself, and from God.
What do I choose?
I choose love. I choose to love myself unconditionally even though it is so hard and I am drowning in my own shame and disgust.
The voices tell me that I don’t deserve to feel loved because normal people don’t deal with this and because I make mistakes and don’t know how to control myself, I deserve this. That this is what I have to do to compensate.
But there is grace. God, let me be filled with grace. I am afraid because I know the thoughts and the temptation will still be there. But even though they are there, let me get stronger with the help of the Lord. With each temptation, let me be more courageous. Let me root myself in your love that is so steady and unchanging.
And see now the voices tell me that this is petty, that I am blowing this way out of proportion, and that all of my struggles are really no big deal. I don’t know what to think. But I want to be strong, but because I am weak, I need to fill myself up with the strength of the Lord. That strength can overcome anything. With this, I can overcome temptation, but It is up to me to keep my gaze on him. Will I give in? Which will I fall into? Do I fall into love? Or do I fall into my earthly satisfaction?